XrayFeet

XrayFeet

Friday, January 6, 2012

Thank You For Smoking

No, of course I'm not being sarcastic! I really want to thank you for smoking!  With unemployment at an all time high, I know how important job security is.  Thanks to you, those of us who work in the medical field have great job security!  As long as you keep smoking we medical professionals have lots of patients!  You're also helping out the medical supply industry, the tobacco farmers, air freshener manufacturers, cosmetologists,  the makers of whitening toothpaste, dentists, the workers in the cigarette factories, the funeral homes and the casket distributors.  Why, you help create jobs for all kinds of people!

I don't know why people complain about you smokers so much.  It's not like they have to sit in rooms full of acrid cigarette smoke while they eat their dinner.  I mean, I just sit in the non-smoking section.  That invisible wall that keeps the smoke from coming over on my side works GREAT!  And I don't go to bars anyway.  Seriously, drinking is a really bad habit. 
Speaking of being a medical professional, I have to also thank you for giving us such interesting cases.  Those carbon coated lungs make AWESOME lab practicals!  I gotta admit, the first time I realized that blackened, dead lung tissue would actually smell like a dirty wet ashtray was SO COOL!  Who'd have thought it???  And those big barrel chests of yours make autopsies a SNAP!  There is SO much more room in there to dig around.  Although I think it's kind of stupid that they make us DO autopsies on you guys.  It's not like we don't already know what killed ya, right?!?

Besides, it would get pretty darn boring if all we dealt with were really old people.  At least you folks generally get sick at a fairly young age, so we don't have to put up with all that geriatric crap!  I mean really - who wants to hear about "back in my day"?!?  I'd much rather talk to someone my own age - you know, like you.  Don't worry, I'm really good at understanding people with oxygen masks on.  I've had loads of practice!  And while I need the job security, I just don't think a bunch of old people sucking our system dry into their 80's and 90's is a good idea.  It's much better the way y'all do it, you know, dying in your 60's.  Saves the government TONS on Medicaid, I think.  And we have you to thank for it!  Not all those stupid healthy old people!  No wonder Obama still smokes.  He's not stupid, you know.  He IS the one who thought up the new health plan after all.

Oh, I almost forgot!  I have one last thing to thank you for!  I LOVE that you are doing such a terrific job passing on your habit.  Talk about job security, man - that goes above and beyond the call right there.  You know, the younger they get hooked, the sooner we'll be able to treat 'em.  What a smart move that was!   Heck, some of y'all even hook them before they're born.  Ingenious!  If they don't come out craving a smoke, at least they come out with medical issues we can address. 

 So seriously, like I said, I just want to thank you for smoking!  It's a dirty job, but somebody's gotta do it.  Me?  Nah, I'm a quitter.  I just couldn't hack it.  (Oops, sorry - no pun intended.)  I let those stupid health nuts get to me, I know.  But it's alright.  There are still
 an estimated 46 million American adults still lighting up!  So whatcha waiting for?!?  I've got your oxygen tank waiting right over here!