Wicked FairyTale: 3500 GIVEAWAY!!!!

Wicked FairyTale: 3500 GIVEAWAY!!!!: To have multiple entries do the additional actions listed below. There is no limit on shares, retweets, or reblogs. You can even reblog, rep...

NativTxn's Here-There-And-Yonder: Jamberry Independent Consultant

NativTxn's Here-There-And-Yonder: Jamberry Independent Consultant: Well, I liked the product and had so much fun with my Jamberry Nails, that I decided to become a Consultant.  There

Thank You For Smoking

No, of course I'm not being sarcastic! I really want to thank you for smoking!  With unemployment at an all time high, I know how important job security is.  Thanks to you, those of us who work in the medical field have great job security!  As long as you keep smoking we medical professionals have lots of patients!  You're also helping out the medical supply industry, the tobacco farmers, air freshener manufacturers, cosmetologists,  the makers of whitening toothpaste, dentists, the workers in the cigarette factories, the funeral homes and the casket distributors.  Why, you help create jobs for all kinds of people!

I don't know why people complain about you smokers so much.  It's not like they have to sit in rooms full of acrid cigarette smoke while they eat their dinner.  I mean, I just sit in the non-smoking section.  That invisible wall that keeps the smoke from coming over on my side works GREAT!  And I don't go to bars anyway.  Seriously, drinking is a really bad habit. 

Speaking of being a medical professional, I have to also thank you for giving us such interesting cases.  Those carbon coated lungs make AWESOME lab practicals!  I gotta admit, the first time I realized that blackened, dead lung tissue would actually smell like a dirty wet ashtray was SO COOL!  Who'd have thought it???  And those big barrel chests of yours make autopsies a SNAP!  There is SO much more room in there to dig around.  Although I think it's kind of stupid that they make us DO autopsies on you guys.  It's not like we don't already know what killed ya, right?!?

Besides, it would get pretty darn boring if all we dealt with were really old people.  At least you folks generally get sick at a fairly young age, so we don't have to put up with all that geriatric crap!  I mean really - who wants to hear about "back in my day"?!?  I'd much rather talk to someone my own age - you know, like you.  Don't worry, I'm really good at understanding people with oxygen masks on.  I've had loads of practice!  And while I need the job security, I just don't think a bunch of old people sucking our system dry into their 80's and 90's is a good idea.  It's much better the way y'all do it, you know, dying in your 60's.  Saves the government TONS on Medicaid, I think.  And we have you to thank for it!  Not all those stupid healthy old people!  No wonder Obama still smokes.  He's not stupid, you know.  He IS the one who thought up the new health plan after all.

Oh, I almost forgot!  I have one last thing to thank you for!  I LOVE that you are doing such a terrific job passing on your habit.  Talk about job security, man - that goes above and beyond the call right there.  You know, the younger they get hooked, the sooner we'll be able to treat 'em.  What a smart move that was!   Heck, some of y'all even hook them before they're born.  Ingenious!  If they don't come out craving a smoke, at least they come out with medical issues we can address. 

 So seriously, like I said, I just want to thank you for smoking!  It's a dirty job, but somebody's gotta do it.  Me?  Nah, I'm a quitter.  I just couldn't hack it.  (Oops, sorry - no pun intended.)  I let those stupid health nuts get to me, I know.  But it's alright.  There are still
 an estimated 46 million American adults still lighting up!  So whatcha waiting for?!?  I've got your oxygen tank waiting right over here!

The Great Sourdough Experiment!

So, I have another hair-brained scheme.  I know, I know...  I said I was going to quit, but this just sounded so cool!  You ready for it?  Homemade Sourdough bread!  Yep, bread made from scratch, not requiring yeast, so it fits into my survivalist scrapbook, too.  I found a recipe for a starter (think Amish Friendship Bread - cause I KNOW you have all had your turn with an Amish Friendship Bread starter).  My buddy Chris wanted one, too, so I decided I would whip up a couple over the long weekend.

Well....make that 4....


Because it took on a life of its own once I got started.  Not that those of you who know me would EVER believe that I could get carried away with something, and over do or anything.  Right?  :~)

Anyway, I decided that this was just such a cool experiment that it needed chronicling.  So, I've been taking pictures and will now be the source of a running commentary on exactly how (or perhaps how NOT) to make Homemade Sourdough Bread.  Yes yes yes....you're welcome.  It's what I'm here for.

The Starter Recipe:

Mix one cup of warm water with one cup of flour.

Got it?  Well, I mean I could complicate it for you, by discussing the pros and cons of white flour versus whole wheat, bleached versus unbleached, all-purpose versus bread, but you get the general gist, right?  A cup of flour and a cup of warm water.  Ta da!

Now put your little creation, your little sourdough baby, into a plastic or glass container with a well fitting lid.  No metal, please.  And make sure you have some room for Sourdough Sam to grow.  You're going to be feeding Sam daily, and just like any other newborn, he's going to grow quickly.  Give him a nice evenly warm home (say, the 78degree kitchen counter?) and let him sleep until his next feeding.  Every day for 3-7 days, you will take out 1/2 cup and pour it down the drain.  Wasteful, I know, but necessary.  Now feed Sam a new 1/2 cup of flour and 1/2 cup of warm water.  That's it!  After a few days, Sam will start to develop a bubbly personality! 

I got so excited after creating Sam 1 and Sam 2 with all purpose flour (one for me and one for my friend, remember?) that I decided to create Wheaton with whole wheat flour.  Then I realized I had forgotten to warm the water when I made Sam 1 and 2.  Crap.  Would that make a difference?  Would the Sams not grow?  So, I made Sally with warm water, just in case.

I was still worried about Sam 1 and Sam 2 with their cold water, though.  So I popped Sam 1 in the microwave, and let him take a little carousel whirl for 10 seconds.  But what about Sam 2?  What if I added just a teeny little bit of yeast to make sure Sam 2 grew, what with his cold water impediment, you know?  Just like 12 tiny granules.  I can hear you harrumphing, you sourdough purist snobs.  I know that "real" sourdough doesn't have yeast and that's the point, but still...this IS an experiment, remember?  So Sourdough Sam 2 became Noah (heehee, get it? NOah, as in NO I'm not real sourdough? Geesh, tough crowd.)

I faithfully stirred and fed Sam 1, Sally, Wheaton and NOah (I'm still giggling at that...) for the next couple of days.  I took 1/2 cup out, and added 1/2 cup of flour and 1/2 cup of (this time) WARM water.  On the third day I was looking back over the directions and realized that it was not "remove 1/2 CUP" it was "remove ONE HALF".  Great.  I'd screwed up again!  But it just didn't make sense, which is probably why my brain read 1/2 cup in the first place.  How were you going to increase the volume of the starter if you took out the same amount you put in? 

And I hated pouring it down the drain...so just for giggles on the 3rd day I decided to keep my 1/2 cup from one of the white flour starters and the wheat starter.  Enter Sally 2 and Wheaton 2:

Speaking of Wheaton, he was REALLY doing well!  He actually blew the lid off his Tupperware on the 3rd day!  Made me wonder just what all is done to bleached white flour...you know?  What good parts of the natural flour do they kill with that bleach?  But anyway, all of the starters (what are we up to now, 6?) were doing well, even if not quite as bubbly as Wheaton.  The others usually developed "hooch" (no, I'm not making that up - check with the purist Sourdough snobs.  It is a real term.)  It was just a brownish liquid that collected on top as the solids settled, but which mixed back in easily when I added flour.  I did learn that the flour blended much better when I mixed it in BEFORE mixing in the WARM water. 

All My Children were developing this lovely beery smell though, so I knew that they were doing their 'thang'.  They had all grown up into such lively personalities that I decided it was time to hand Sally 2 off to my buddy, and let her continue her care and feeding.  And what the heck, I took her Wheaton 2 also, just 'cause I love her. Whew, that brought my nursery back to a more manageable size of 4 - Sam the Original, Sally, Noah and Wheaton the Original.  All were doing great, and I figured it was time to try baking!

I removed 1/2 cup (yep, I decided to stay with my original screw up, and it turns out it works great!) and I fed Sally, Noah and Wheaton but not Sam.  It was Sam's day to shine.  So I poured Sam into a ceramic mixing bowl and fed him 1 cup of flour and 1 cup of warm water.  I covered him with plastic wrap and left him to hang out on my front porch where it was sunny and warm.  (Not in direct sun, though.)  Within 2 hours Sam had grown into a bubbly and happy "sponge".  (Let's do use the correct terms, since we've already pissed off the purist Sourdough snobs.)  I brought Sam back in the house and got ready to make my dough.

I measured out 2 1/2 cups of sponge into a glass bowl. (Remember, no metal bowls or utensils - they can make your baby act up, I mean REact.)  That left me roughly 1/2 cup of sponge.  I poured what was left of Sam the Sponge into his freshly washed container and fed him 1/2 cup of flour and a 1/2 cup of warm water.  (HA! I'm never going to forget that WARM part again!)  Then I put him in the fridge with his friends Noah, Sally and Wheaton, to rest for a week until I feed them again or bake again.  Once they move into the fridge and off of your kitchen counter, their development slows.  Kind of like a teenager who hits that 16-17 year old wall.  They'll just sort of hang around the fridge eating occasionally, but not really growing a lot anymore.  But you can get them to liven back up anytime by letting them come to room temperature.  Like when you turn off your teenager's Xbox.

I added 2 1/2 TBL of olive oil, 5 tsp of sugar, and 1 1/2 tsp of sea salt.  I mixed that into the sponge really well with my handy dandy wooden spoon.   Then I started to knead in the flour.  Yes, with my hands.  But I washed them first!  I kneaded in 3 cups of flour until I had a nice lightly sticky solid ball of sourdough.  I turned my oven on for just a few minutes to get it nice and warm inside (but not HOT!), then I turned it off.  I covered my bowl with a kitchen towel and put it in my now warm oven.  And waited with baited breath for 2 hours....  Ok, I didn't really.  I went to Walmart and picked up the boys from school, then ran some other errands.  But I DID think about my bread the whole time I was gone!  When I got home 2 hours later, this is what my beautiful Sam had turned into:

Sam was huge!  He had easily doubled in size.  Like a teenager over summer break!  So I punched him down, you know, also like a teenager LOL, kneaded him again, and shaped him into a loaf.  Then I did the same little trick with my oven, and left him to puff up again.  Like a teenager.  Or have I beaten that particular euphimism to death?  Anyway, this is what he looked like before he rose again:

So into my toasty 350 degree oven he went!  And came out 30 minutes later as a fantabulous crispy golden colored thump worthy loaf of Sourdough Bread!!!  Ta da!  See, I told ya it was easy! ;~)

Apparently, I am NOT Talking To Myself....Whodathunkit?!?

For those of you who have been following my blog (yes, all TWO of you! Chris and Ann, you precious little things, you! ;-)  ) I have been called out.  My prissy little blog here, the one I write for my own benefit and for absolutely no one else's, has been called into question.  Chastised, even.  Actually, to be quite honest, it's been strung up like Jesus on the Cross, but then so has my Christianity and my Republicanism, which too were called into question as being....well, let's just say that SOME people apparently don't "approve of" my beliefs.  My knee-jerk reaction was to delete their incredibly hateful and uneducated commentary, but I found after I returned and tried to undo that delete, that they had erased their own comments.  Go figure?


So yesterday, after SEVERAL very long days of being harassed and demeaned and spoken of in very ugly terms (which were relayed to me via quite reliable sources, I might add) I decided that I had had quite enough.  Moving, and the perils that lie therein (see my previous blog), as well as the land-stalker (also, previous blog, and now that I think about it, probably the next blog, too) piled all on top of people whom I felt had taken extreme advantage of me, as well as trash-talked me to other members of my family, and welllllll.....hell....you know that kind of thing can just pile up on you! 


Speaking of piling up, you know guilt has a way of piling up on you, as well.  Guilt is a very volatile thing.  Guilt can make you very defensive.  Guilt can make you feel...well....guilty.  Guilt is defined by Wikipedia as, "...the fact of being responsible for the commission of an offense.^[1] It is also a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person realizes or believes—accurately or not—that he or she has violated a moral standard, and bears significant responsibility for that violation." 


Nothing will bring forth the moral indignation that guilt does, either!  Think about it...when you were a kid, and got caught doing something wrong, didn't you get WAY more angry and defensive when you KNEW you were wrong, than when you were inaccurately accused?  Admit it - your face got all inflamed, and you started to stutter and shake, and then you went to ANY LENGTHS necessary to PROVE that you were not wrong, even though you knew damn good and well you were.


Yep, guilt is a strong emotion.  When you know that you've said things about someone that you should never have said, guilt can be an incredibly strong motivator for denying that you said those things.  Or maybe, you admit you said those things, but hey...you were provoked.  Right?  Or those things you said were true, right?  Well, maybe not QUITE true, but that's your story and you're sticking to it.  And your daddy is, too! 


I don't know....the way that I was raised, nobody ever said ANYTHING about your family.  THAT was immediate grounds for friend dismissal.  I could say anything I wanted about how my sister was that, or my mother did this, but hey...nobody else ever BETTER say a WORD about my sister or mother!  But maybe that's just me, and the way I was raised, and the way I tried to raise my children.  Family loyalty to ME is everything. 


I have to admit that I also find it quite interesting, (and I think Freud would agree), that people's names don't even have to be mentioned in order to draw this visceral guilt reaction.  Just relay a story of someone doing something that is less than humanitarian, and document them saying things that moral people would be embarrassed to say in public (or at least GET CAUGHT saying in public),  even without using ANY NAMES and VOILA'!  You will most assuredly have found moral indignation!  Better known as GUILT!  And or, guilty conscience!


Thank heavens that I will be able to sleep well tonight, knowing that I for one do not have a guilty conscience.  I have not said anything, nor quoted anyONE's commentary, that was not true - that was not said about me, or to me, or perhaps even emailed or texted to me just this very day.  I simply relayed what happened to me, and was thus crucified by those who DID have a guilty conscience. 

"Defending the truth is not something one does out of a sense of duty or to allay guilt complexes, but is a reward in itself."  ~  Simone de Beauvoir

The Misery of Moving (And The Perils of Pack Rats)

We have lived in San Antonio since 2006.  Well, not technically San Antonio.  To be more precise, we lived in Converse, which is a little known suburb of San Antonio.  Converse is a suburb for the not-so-rich folks, who cannot afford to live in the richer, more well known suburbs of San Antonio.  How did we end up living in Converse, you ask?  Well, that my love is a blog for another time! LOL  For now you will have to suffer through the story of how we came NOT to live in Converse.


My husband, being the licensed journeyman electrician that he is, works for a company that has offices in San Antonio, Austin, Dallas and Houston.  Unfortunately, the idget who runs the San Antonio office has expertly run the business directly into the ground.  He has even gone so far as to get the company blacklisted with most San Antonio contractors.  Needless to say, that has made work in San Antonio for my husband well, a little scarce.  So he's spent quite a lot of the last couple of years driving to job sites in Austin.  That's an hour from San Antonio, IF you don't include traffic time.  I work for Seton, which is also based in Austin.  I work in the Seton clinic in Lockhart, TX - about an hour from Converse.  And if I lived closer, I could pick up hours at some of the other Seton facilites in the Austin area.  So after watching the gas prices climb higher and higher and higher, as well as languishing under our landlord's constant emails and drive-bys and phone calls and walk throughs, we began to entertain the idea that perhaps, just maybe, we should consider moving OUT of San Antonio.  We had talked about living in the country for years, so we decided that buying some land somewhere south of Austin would be a totally fantastic idea!


Well, we ALL know how well my fantastic ideas usually turn out!


I started searching for property for us to buy.  Then I checked our credit.  We've fought and fought for years to fix our credit. We've paid off stuff, gotten rid of our credit cards, made payment arrangements on my defaulted student loans....in other words we've jumped through our proverbial butts to try and reach that golden score that proclaims "YOU HAVE GOOD CREDIT" *insert bugling here*


Well, guess what folks? We bit ourselves in that proverbial butt. Apparently, by paying off everything and getting rid of our credit cards we did NOT clean up our credit. We just dismissed it. After all these years and all that hard work, our credit score is actually LOWER than it used to be. According to the mortgage broker that I talked to, by not having any credit cards we have shown "that we can't pay back credit." WHAT?!?!? And here I thought we were showing that we were responsible by paying our debts and not taking on additional credit...my bad! Turns out we should've borrowed our faces blue!


We've scrimped and saved and just when we thought we could finally get a loan, we get blown out of the water. We found a fantastic place that we wanted SO BADLY!!!  22 acres all to ourselves!!!  But after packing and shopping and working our asses off to buy this place, turns out we STILL can't get a mortgage!  We've spent the last 15 years paying someone else's mortgage, in the way of rent, but we supposedly can't "afford" a mortgage - at least according to the bank!

So I had my house all packed up and nowhere to go. Turns out, we didn't have a place to move TO.  We couldn't buy, and we had not even looked for a rental because we were so sure we WOULD be able to buy the 22 acres we'd found.  But our lease was up, and we had already given notice to our rotten land-stalker. I mean, land-LORD sorry. Then, right in the middle of my panicked break-down, my girlfriend's husband tells us about a (mostly) reputable double-wide *woo hoo - a mobile home - how WILL I contain my excitement?* Ok, so I drove out to see it. It wasn't like I had a ton of options, you know? But I won't regale you with details of the double-wide here. That's for a whole 'nother blog, trust me! Suffice it to say, the price was right and the landlady was a sweet little old lady who didn't even want a lease. Done. But then the REAL problems began...



Nothing can ever be easy, can it? In the midst of this nasty little summer heatwave cum drought, our electric bill had skyrocketed to over $300. They also would not give me a letter of credit for the new electric company. So, add another $275 for a deposit and turn-on fee (yes, they really did charge me a $25 "turn on fee".) The new house has propane, which was a lesson in itself, since I've never had a house with propane. Did you know that propane sells for almost as much as gasoline?!? Neither did I!!! It's $2.99 PER GALLON. And apparently, no company wants to drive their big ol' tanker truck out to fill up my little propane tank unless I buy a MINIMUM of 100 gallons. There goes another $300 out the window.  You want TV?   In the COUNTRY?  HA!  Ok, we can get you TV, but it's gonna cost you!  You want internet you say? Now you're just being all big city uppity, aren't ya?  You're gonna have to go satellite if you want them big city amenities!   And those were just the costs of moving INTO the NEW PLACE!  Now let's talk about the cost of moving OUT OF the OLD PLACE!

The carpet cleaners (who HAD to be professionals, per my lease with the land-stalker) charged me $316 to come clean the carpets in a completely empty house. Yeah, never EVER use Green Tree Steamers (www.greentreesteamers.com) if you live in San Antonio! I purchased one of those local internet deals from them - 5 rooms for $49.  Ok, well we had 5 rooms upstairs, so that only left 3 more downstairs to pay extra for.  I had already pre-treated the "pet stains" (stupid little boy Maltese!) with this very expensive but very good enzymatic cleaner.  Now I don't know what kind of math skills you have, but my math skills did NOT add $16 each for 3 extra rooms, plus $49 for the original deal, to come up with a bill of OVER THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS!  And to think, they didn't even kiss me!

Now let's talk about Pack Rat.  I thought, hey....only $128 a month for a 16 foot connex is a deal!  They quoted about a $50 charge for delivery and set-up, and then only about $50-60 for picking up the unit and taking it to my new residence.  Have you folks priced UHaul type trucks lately?  I have!  And man, are those suckers EXPENSIVE!  And they run on diesel, which is presently going for the bargain basement price of only $4 dollars A GALLON!  At 10 MILES TO THE GALLON!  So I thought the Pack Rat connex was a brilliant idea!  *Here's where I tell you once again - we ALL know how well my fantastic ideas usually turn out!*

Well, I packed the crap out of that Pack Rat!  I dared anyone to fit so much as a matchbook into that sucker!  Then, two weeks before the end of the month (and the end of our lease) I called Pack Rat and said, "Okay guys!  Come get my unit!"  *yes, that's me standing there in my driveway, hands on hips, looking quite proud of myself, and dare I say maybe even a bit smug?*

Sure thing ma'am.  *insert scary music here*  We'll be happy to schedule that for you!  Someone from the San Antonio office will be calling you to firm up the time and day.  Oh, and that will cost you $258.39 for us to pick the unit up and deliver it out to your new residence in Lockhart, and then only another $243.57 to return for it once you've emptied it.  *I warned you it was going to get scary.*  Once my sons revived me, and got me up off the floor, we waited for the local office to call us.  And we waited.....

And waited.....

And waited....

And waited.....

(You getting the idea, here?)  I called back and called back and called back.  I waited, and called back, and then waited some more.  Finally, two days before the end of the month (and so two days before the end of my lease) the idiot at the 1-800-Pack-Rat number says, "Well it looks here like it's been scheduled to be picked it.  Yep, they'll be out there first thing the morning of the twelfth."  *Here come my sons with the defibrillator again.*  THE TWELFTH?!?!?!?!?!?  Have I not mentioned REPEATEDLY that my lease expires on the THIRTY-FIRST?!?!?!?  Are you telling me that it takes ONE MONTH for you people to get your shit together and pick up a unit that it took you only two days notice to DELIVER?!?!?!?   



Apparently, YES.  Since my nifty little Pack Rat connex continued to sit in the driveway in Converse on the 30th...and the 31st....and the 1st....and the 2nd....   At which point, the land-stalker was having absolute conniption fits!  And CHARGING ME!  For every blasted damn day that the stupid Pack Rat connex continued to live in the driveway, the over-bearing hateful ass land-stalker was charging me RENT!  FOR THE DRIVEWAY!  Never mind that I left his house in better shape than it was when he rented it to me.  Never mind that I tore down old, moldy wallpaper and applied fresh plaster and paint.  Never mind that I put a decorative paint finish on the walls.  Never mind that I left custom made shelving in TWO different bathrooms because it went with the afore-mentioned Venetian plaster and custom finishes!  Never mind that I paid over THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS so that his carpets were spotless!  NEVER MIND THAT HIS FOUNDATION ROTTING HOUSE WAS IN PRISTINE CONDITION READY AND WAITING FOR THE NEW TENANTS WITH NO DOWN TIME! 

That's when my tantrums started.  I wrote ALL OVER Pack Rat's FaceBook wall with disparaging comments about how it takes a MONTH to get a unit picked up, and how it will cost you almost a thousand dollars to rent and then relocate a unit.  And I left a nasty little message on their voicemail about how I would be arriving at their San Antonio office first thing the next morning with the local news crew to document my shoddy experience.  Lo and behold, my unit got picked up!  Of course, it's STILL not at my new house, but at least it's not RENTING OUT THE DRIVEWAY at my old house either!  But they are damn sure sticking to that date of the 12th for the delivery.  Oh, and the amount to be charged!  They refuse to adjust my bill, even though they cost me 3 days rent! 

So after all of that, what do you think the lesson learned here is?  Actually, I learned several lessons.  Allow me to list them for you:

#1)  NEVER EVER EVER rent a Pack Rat unit!
#2)  NEVER EVER EVER use Green Tree Steamers for your carpet cleaning needs!
#3)  NEVER EVER EVER rent from Ed Houser of Lighthouse Realty in San Antonio, TX!
#4)  NEVER EVER EVER pay off all of your credit cards in some misguided attempt to "clean up" your credit score!

And last but not least, #5)  NEVER EVER EVER listen to one of my fantastic ideas!

Sneaky Scoutmaster - Snotty Remarks Are For Assholes

Sometime around Thanksgiving....

Mr. Scoutmaster: "Folks, I've been with this Troop for years, but my son is aging out and it's time for me to step down. Effective in May, I'll be stepping back from the duties of Scoutmaster. Someone needs to volunteer to take over."

Fast forward MONTHS LATER to Feb....

Me: "You know, I have 10 years experience as a Scout Leader. I've worn just about every hat possible between Cub Scouts and Boy Scouts. I've been to BSA's National Camp School and run camps for Council. I love working with the boys, and now that I'm working for myself I have the time to devote, so how about I take over as Scoutmaster? I mean, the boys are ok with the idea, and none of the MALE Assistant Scoutmasters have stepped up."

Whoa there, Little Lady! You are opening up a great big can of Good Ol' Boy Bullshit that I just don't think you're prepared for. *hiking Scoutmaster pants up over belly* You see, the 50-something year old man who's been running the Troop for years, along with the 70-something year old man who's been running the Committee for even MORE years, don't exactly like the idea of a *gasp* WOMAN taking over! I mean, how could a WOMAN possibly run an appropriate program for BOYS? *insert eye roll here* How could a WOMAN function without the weight of a great big ol' set of balls controlling her every whim?

Obviously a WOMAN will have to rely on the men to control everything she does, right? I mean good gravy, without a penis she's definitely going to have WAAAYYYY TOO MUCH blood flowing to her head. Who knows how that extra blood will affect her reasoning? Her ability to make decisions? She might actually use common sense to lead the Troop, and well.....that would be DISASTROUS!

We'll only be able to spoon feed her tiny bits of information at a time, because no doubt all that extra blood filling her brain will not allow her to process all the policies and rules that we Good Ol' Boys use to make this Troop run like a well oiled machine. *whispering to each other* Did you plan the program for this week? No, I thought you were going to do it... What are we gonna do? I dunno, fake it? We can blame it on the gal! Ahem, anyway... We can't let her email and talk to the other parents, either. If she starts rallying the other biddies we'll be in SERIOUS trouble!

How dare she even contemplate the hard-core masculine role of Scoutmaster, anyway? Boobs don't fit in the uniform, do they? We don't have a make-up mirror hanging in the Scoutmaster's office. And what in hell will she do if she starts that female crap out camping? She could draw wild animals! The boys would be in danger! We'd better just nip this silly female's idea in the bud. Maybe if we tear down every idea she has, and only give her partial information for the jobs we give her so she can't possibly do the jobs right, she'll just start crying and go home. Yeah, yeah! That's the ticket! Hike up your testicles men and let's run this split-tail off! No way can she stand up to us Good Ol' Boys if we stick together! Right?!?

WRONG! Move those testicles outta my way! The Pink Diva is taking over your Troop! Sit Down, Shut Up and HOLD ON! Or if you Good Ol' Boys can't stand the Estrogen, feel free to HAUL ASS!

See ya BUH-BYE!

TeeTee On Your Own Time!

Mrs. X checks in at 10:45 for her 11:15 appointment, just as she was asked. It takes her about 10 minutes to complete her paperwork, then she settles into a chair near the television and begins to watch the news. She sips on a cup of water from the water dispenser, then decides to have a cup of coffee. She wanders around the waiting room, glancing at several different magazines, before choosing one to flip through while she watches some more of the news.

The Technologist who will be performing her exam has had a rough morning. Her first patient was 30 minutes late, and eating a biscuit from Chik-fil-a. Her second patient was scheduled into a regular 15 minute exam slot, even though her patient information CLEARLY stated that she was a lower leg amputee with left-sided stroke paralysis who required additional time. (Too bad the "big" boss quietly informed the scheduling department that they are no longer allowed to add additional time for ANY reason.) The Tech managed to make up a little time, but then got backed up again waiting on the Radiologist to view diagnostic films, and waiting on two other patients who needed more views than usual due to their quite LARGE body habitus.

So it's now 11:40. The Technologist is running 25 minutes behind schedule. Mrs. X has had the 30 minutes she checked in early, plus an additional 25 minutes to wander around the waiting room, drink various beverages, watch TV and read. The Technologist comes to the waiting room door, obviously harried and trying to hurry.

"Mrs. X? Good afternoon, I'm Ms. Tech and I will be doing your Mammogram. If you'll just come this way please?"

Mrs. X holds her finger up at Ms. Tech, because she needs a minute to finish telling the person on the other end of her cell phone that the Technologist is here to get her now. Once she FINALLY hangs up, she gathers up the 2 cups she has, drops them (still half full) into the waste basket and watches them slosh over the side onto the carpet. Then she closes her magazine and places it back on the stack. After staring at it for a few seconds, she changes her mind, and picks it back up to bring with her. Then she hangs her purse from her walker, places her newly "acquired" magazine on the seat, straightens her sweater (while complaining about how terribly cold the waiting room is), turns to Ms. Tech and follows her (a FULL four minutes after she was called) to the exam room door.

"Mrs. X, if you'll just walk over to that chair, I've already laid a gown out for you. I need you to please remove......"

But Mrs. X interrupts with - "Wait! Where's the restroom?"

REALLY?!?!?!? NOW?!?!?!?!?!?!?

You haven't had enough time to get yourself up from the waiting room chair and find the restroom? You found the magazines! You found the coffee pot - TWICE!!! You found the water dispenser MULTIPLE TIMES!!! The lovely little receptionist that took your paperwork even mentioned to you that "If you need it, the restroom is right through THIS door and to the right." But hey, why doesn't Ms. Tech wait another 15 minutes for you to fight those super-elastic compression hose out from under the 58-hook girdle you're wearing? She's got nothing else to do -

EXCEPT MAYBE THOSE 14 OTHER PATIENTS SHE HAS TO SEE SITTING OUT THERE IN THE LOBBY NOW POURING THEMSELVES A CUP OF COFFEE!!!!!

People! TeeTee on your OWN TIME!!!! Or for crying out loud, just HOLD IT!!!! The exam only takes 15 minutes, and if you can't hold it THAT LONG then you're here for the wrong damned exam!!!

Trust Us! We Are Professionals!!!

ME: “Ma’am, do you have any metal on that skirt you’re wearing, like a zipper?”
PT: “Yes.”
ME: “Ok, is your skirt loose enough for you to just turn the waist so that the zipper is on the side?”
PT: (As she’s turning the skirt) “Yes.”
ME: “Terrific! Now come and have a seat here on this exam table! (while motioning toward the table)”
PT: “You mean as soon as I take off everything and put on a gown?”

Heavy sigh….

ME: “Sir, I need you to remove only your trousers and (while handing him a pair of shorts) put these shorts on. Everything else, including your underwear, is fine.”
Gentleman walks out of the changing area with the shorts on the floor, still folded, wearing nothing but underwear and a gown (which he had to have dug out himself) hanging open in the front. (He even took his socks off.)
ME: “Sir, why did you take off your shirt? I said you could leave on everything BUT your pants, and just put on the shorts I gave you.”
So he jumps up, dashes back behind the curtain, and in a few moments emerges with his underwear AND SHIRT on, and the gown still on and still hanging open in the front. But he did kick the shorts out of his way.

Shaking head….

ME: “Ma’am, please remove your blouse and bra, and put on this gown (handing it to her), with the opening to the back.”
PT: “What about my jewelry?”
ME: “No, ma’am.”
PT: “But you want me to take my watch off, right?”
ME: “No, ma’am.”
PT: “What about my glasses?”
ME: “NO ma’am!”
PT: She finally emerges, lays on the exam table, and just as I am beginning to scan her, SITS UP (banging her head on the c-arm right above her) and shouts, “But I have my partial in! Let me take it out!” as she’s trying to crawl OUT FROM UNDER the bone density c-arm.
ME: “Ma’am, if I had needed your jewelry, or watch, or glasses, or dentures removed, rest assured that I WOULD HAVE ASKED YOU TO DO SO!”

(Beginning to accept defeat…)

ME: “Ma’am, I need you to lie down here on the table, on your back please.”
PT: “Why?”
ME: “Because you came in for x-rays, and I’m going to take them.”
PT: “Yeah, but I came in for x-rays of my BACK!”
ME: “Yes, ma’am, I am fully aware of that. And I’m going to take the x-rays of your lower back.”
PT: (obviously growing agitated) “And yet you want me to lay on it?!?”
ME: “Yes.”
PT: (now yelling at me) “Well that’s pretty damn stupid! How the hell you gonna take x-rays of my back IF I’M LAYIN’ ON IT??”

ME: “Ma’am, do you have any zippers or metal eyelets at your waist?”
PT: “No.”
ME: “Great, then just come sit down over here on this table.”
PT: “But I haven’t taken off all of my clothes. I have to take my clothes off!”
ME: “No, ma’am, you do not. I just need you to come sit down on this exam table.”
PT: “I have a bra on.”
ME: “Yes, I assumed you did. Now please sit down.”
PT: “But it has HOOKS in it! METAL HOOKS!”
(OMG! When did they start making BRAS with METAL HOOKS???? I NEVER KNEW!!!!)

(After positioning a patient for a bone density exam)
PT: “You DO realize that this wrist brace has a metal bar in it, DON’T YOU?”
ME: “I am fully aware of that, ma’am.”
PT: “Well it’s going to show up!”
ME: “No ma’am, it’s not. If I were examining your wrist, it would, but like I just finished telling you, we are going to take a picture of your lower SPINE and left HIP, so I am positive that your WRIST BRACE is not going to affect my images!”

ME: “Ma’am, I need you to lie down on your back so that I can x-ray your ankle.”
PT: “Well, it hurts right here. (Pointing to the medial malleolus)”
ME: “Yes, ma’am, that’s why we are x-raying it.”
PT: “You just need to take a picture of that.”
ME: “No, ma’am, I have to take 3 pictures, all of which will include that area, so please lie down on your back.”
PT: “Well my doctor didn’t tell you to take all that! He just wants to see where I hurt it.”
ME: “Ma’am, your doctor was aware of our standard protocol for ankle imaging when he wrote the order. Our Radiologist will be expecting that protocol. The order that was written intended for me to FOLLOW that protocol. Now I STILL need you to lie down on your back!”
PT: “You’re just trying to make more money!”

Kids, are any of you aware of the educational requirements to become a Radiologic Technologist? It is a 2 year Associate of Science degree. We are taught anatomy, physiology, pathology, positioning, radiation protection, radiation physics and even the mechanical operations of our equipment. We also become BLS certified (that’s BASIC LIFE SUPPORT, which is a lil' more advanced than your run-of-the-mill CPR), learn venipuncture, and how to take an extensive history.

After all of that, we take a 260 question exam covering EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THOSE TOPICS PLUS SOME just to obtain our License. Then, depending on what state you live in, you may have to take an additional exam for the state. If you specialize in any modality beyond just plain ol’ x-ray, then you have more training, more classes, and another certification exam. For instance, someone like me (who’s an RT(R)(BD)(M) ) would have taken 3 certification exams, as well as a 40hour FDA mandated course in Mammography and classes in Cross-Sectional Anatomy, Computed Tomography and done a semester or two of CT clinical rotations.

I think, just maybe – POSSIBLY – I MIGHT KNOW WHAT THE HELL I AM DOING!!!!

Radiology has very set protocols. If you go to McDonald’s and order a cheeseburger, the kid with the runny nose and acne frying it up knows the “protocol”. He knows he slaps the fried patty on the bun with EXACTLY 2 pickle slices, a 1 & ½ -second long squirt of ketchup and some re-hydrated minced onions. Radiology uses the same principle.

If a doctor orders “ankle x-rays” he and the Radiologist and the Technologist all know that means that they are expecting to see an AP (front to back, otherwise known as AnteroPosterior – hence the AP), an oblique (with both malleoli in a perpendicular plane to the imaging plate so that the Mortise Joint is nice and open), and a lateral view (taken from the Medial to the Lateral – in other words with the outside of the ankle laying on the imaging plate). There are other views, but they are “Specialized” views, that the doctor and Radiologist will ask for by name depending on what they are looking for. The same holds true for every single body part – from the skull to the orbits to the scapula to the chest to the abdomen to the patella to the wrist to the elbow and femur even down to the big fat toe (which, by the way, is the left or right 1st digit or phalange, but specifically metatarsal). Each and every part has “Routine Views”, or a “Protocol”.

So when you go in for x-rays, please please PLEASE listen carefully to what the Technologist asks you to do. We are very specific, and we do actually try not to have you remove anything that we don’t absolutely need removed for YOUR benefit, not ours. Don’t argue with us, either. We really were well trained.

You can trust us.

WE ARE PROFESSIONALS!!!

Now would you PLEASE shut up and lie down on the table?!?

Rules of Etiquette For Cell Phones

Dear ARRTy,

Why are Health Care Professionals always SO RUDE to me when they call me back for my appointment? I had an appointment just the other day, and the Technologist had the audacity to tell me that I had to go back out in the waiting room until I was finished with my phone call! Can you believe that?!?
Signed, Gabby in Galveston

Dear Gabby,

Let me just start by saying HANG UP THE BLOODY PHONE ALREADY!!!! You are SO RUDE! I'll bet you are the kind of person that has that cell phone constantly glued to your ear, aren't you? You probably walk around yack-yack-yacking all day long, droning pointlessly on about inconsequential nonsense, utterly oblivious to everyone around you, not caring how much you inconvenience anyone who's waiting for you to pull into your parking space, write the check for your groceries, or pay attention to the vital instructions that your Health Care Provider is trying to give to you before your exam.

The rest of the world is quite frankly not as interested in your life as you are. We are simply hostages, held powerlessly in line behind you or next to you in the waiting room while being subjected to your insipid verbal diarrhea. Just for the record hon, NOONE CARES that your cat has not had regular bowel movements for the last week. NOONE CARES that your sister's son-in-law's cousin's boyfriend was arrested for DUI again last week. ABSOLUTELY NOONE CARES about your opinion of the lastest "New & Improved" status of your favorite feminine hygiene wash!

YOU - on the other hand - just MIGHT be interested in hearing what your Health Care Provider has to say to you. We have such important information as:
"You know, if you walk in to the MRI room with that cell phone plugged up against your ear, not only is it going to kill your battery (GASP!) but your phone will most likely go FLYING through the air and stick itself to the side of the BIG GIANT MAGNET. At which point, we are going to have to cancel every patient for the rest of the entire afternoon while we squelch the machine, shutting everything down, so that we can retrieve your infernal cell phone - or at least what's LEFT of it."
(Translation - Do NOT walk in here with that damn cell phone!)
-and-
"Ma'am, I'm about to drive this very long needle into your gluteus maximus filled with a noxious substance designed to irradicate that nasty little infection that is percolating in your nether regions. Do you think you could possibly disengage that cell phone from the various orifices on your face long enough to let me know if you are going to go into anaphylactic shock after I administer this?"
(Translation - Would you hang the hell up and tell me if you have any drug allergies?!?!?)
-and-
"Sir, that pacemaker so precariously controlling your heartbeat is EXTREMELY susceptible to interference from radio, magnetic and micro waves. You would most likely not be flailing on the floor right now in atrial defibrillation had you chosen to disconnect that incredibly fascinating phone call about how amazing your cow's insemination was last week and instead listened to me as I tried to stop you from entering the MRI area."
(Translation: If you had hung up you would have heard me telling you to stop, and you would not now be clutching your chest with a heart attack.)
-and-
"Ma'am, it is critical that you consume large amounts of liquids, preferably water, for the rest of the afternoon in order to sufficiently flush the barium contrast from your digestive tract."
(Translation: If you don't get enough water in your gut, that chalky white crap we made you drink before your CT is going to get rock hard. If you think you had a belly ache before you came in today, wait until you haven't been able to poop for 4 days.)

So, kiddies, the lesson learned from Dear ARRTy today? While you may erroneously believe that your phone conversation is paramount in the grand scheme of the world's dynamics, we lowly Health Care Providers are simply attempting to provide you with the best care we can possibly give. To accomplish that, we need your undivided attention to listen to instructions, as well as answer vital questions concerning your health history. You cannot possibly do that while busily conversing with your first husband's aunt's hairdresser concerning whether she thinks it was appropriate for your first husband's aunt to get highlights. I realize that creation as we know it may come to a screeching halt if that particular matter is not diligently dissected, but then again YOUR personal creation could be at stake here as well.

So besides the fact that the general public at large is entirely exasperated by your incessant prattling, your attention while in your Health Care Provider's office would not only be THE POLITE THING TO DO, you might just find that the information we have to share with you is MEANINGFUL!!! (Translation: Put that damn cell phone away and pay attention to me before I cram your cell phone up your ass!)

Tardiness Is NOT Next To Godliness!

Folks, if your appointment is at 10:00am, DO NOT SHOW UP AT 10:00AM!!!


There is a reason why we in the health care industry make those "day before your appointment" phone calls. It's called a REMINDER!!!! And during that reminder, we ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS ask you to arrive BEFORE your scheduled appointment time. Some places say 15 minutes, some say 30, but we ALL SAY IT!!!!!


Now, would you like to know WHY we ask you to be early?

Ok, consider this scenario -

Ms. Tech arrives at work at 7:45am to turn on all of her equipment and do her daily quality control checks. She looks at her schedule, and it's CRAM PACKED. The boss is a firm believer in "productivity" so there is a patient scheduled in every single 15 minute block of time all day long. Not counting her lunch hour, that's 28 patients she's going to see today!!!

Her first patient is at 8am. The doors have been open since 7:30 (so folks can arrive BEFORE THEIR SCHEDULED APPOINTMENT TIME - see how that works?) But it's now 8:05 and her first patient has not arrived. Her 8:15 patient however, arrived at 7:50. And her 8:30 patient is checking in now.

Then, strolling leisurely through the door with a Chick-Fil-A biscuit in one hand and balancing a cup of coffee with her very large purse comes the 8:00am patient. She signs in, but cannot find her insurance card in the deep dark depths of the cave she calls her purse. It is now 8:10. It takes her another 10 minutes to fill out her paperwork. "How should I know when I had my hysterectomy?" (Please refer to the previous blog...) It is now 8:20. She is "officially" 20 minutes late for her appointment.

The dilemma for Ms. Tech is this:
Does she just skip the 8:00 patient and call back the 8:15 patient on time? Or does she wait for the 8:00 patient to finally be ready to be seen? The 8:15 patient will be angry if she is kept waiting past HER appointment time, and then the 8:30 patient will be late, and the 8:45, and the 9:00, and the 9:15 (you folks seeing a pattern here?) And this is only the FIRST patient of the morning. So far, it's looking like 27 patients are going to have to wait 20 minutes for THEIR appointment time because Biscuit Lady wouldn't wait for Chick-Fil-A. What happens if anybody ELSE is late?!?

Then again, if she skips the 8:00 LATE patient, and heads on to the 8:15, and 8:30, and 8:45, and 9:00 then when does she find the time to magically work the 8:00 patient back into the schedule? Every single block is filled, because heavens forbid the boss sees an empty time slot! Wait, the 9:00 just called to cancel. (Thank goodness SOME people have courtesy, huh? Even if it WAS at the last minute...) Ok, now she has time. But guess what? The 8:00 patient is swinging her biscuit around in the middle of the waiting room, spraying everyone else with (what we hope is) strawberry jelly while yelling at the office manager (Ms. Tech's boss) about how she's been kept waiting for "ALMOST AN HOUR! This is HORRIBLE service!" Now, the office manager is angry at Ms. Tech and writes her up for poor customer service.

So, what do you think that Ms. Tech is going to do? Do you think she's going to do what she SHOULD do, which is continue on with her morning in order to accommodate those patients who had the courtesy to show up for their appointments on time and prepared, so as not to inconvenience them? Awww, you're just precious! You really think that Ms. Tech can AFFORD to be written up or put her job in danger? Come on, she's got kids at home that she has to feed. A mortgage payment to make. A car that she'd rather not have re-possessed.

So, I'm gonna need you to just settle down in your chair in that waiting room and hush. Because Ms. Tech is going to be forced to cover her own ass.

"Mrs. Biscuit-Slurping Latecomer? Please come back now."

I'm Gonna Need You To Take Responsibility, People!

Ok, I've got a pop quiz for ya:

When (yes, exactly) was your last medical check-up? With WHOM was it? Do you take prescription medications? Do you know the name and dosage? Do you even know what you take it for?

Have you had any medical tests done? What is the ACTUAL name of the test, where was it, and what were your results? How about surgical procedures? Do you know the dates and places of those?

For instance - ladies, when and where was your last pap smear? Mammogram?

Do your answers sound like "Ummm, maybe a year ago? No, no, wait - it was a year and a half ago. I think. At that place, you know, by the hospital? Downtown? I don't remember the name of it. And nobody told me my results. I'm sure it was fine though." ??? Really?!?!?

Then listen up, because I'm only going to say this once!


IT'S YOUR HEALTH PEOPLE!!!! TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR IT!!!!!


As a healthcare professional, I ask patients questions like these all day. Just last week I asked a lady, "Ma'am, have you had a hysterectomy?" She said, "NO! The only surgery I've ever had was when they took my uterus out!" Whaaa?!? Here's some other gems that I've actually been told:

Me "I see you had a Bone Density exam. What were your results?"
Patient "FINE! My bones are in good shape!"
Me "Ok, and what medications are you taking?"
Patient "Boniva."

Really? FYI, Boniva is a prescription medicine used only to reverse bone loss - in other words, for patients that have been diagnosed with Osteoporosis or Osteopenia. But her bones were GOOD.


Me "When did you have your hysterectomy?"
Patient "Good lord girl, how should I know? That was YEARS ago!"


Me "I see you've written on your questionairre that you've had back surgery. What kind of procedure did you have done?"
Patient "They did something to L8 or 9. But I don't know what."
Me "Sir, there are only 5 Lumbar vertebrae."
Patient "Oh, right! It was D 8 and 9."

(Let's see - cervical, thoracic, lumbar, sacrum/cocyxx - nope, no D spine!)


Me "Have you had any surgeries on your hips or lower back?"
Patient "No."
Me (while scanning the hip) "You have a rod in your femur. You said you hadn't had any surgeries on your hip."
Patient "I haven't! I broke my leg, not my hip. They put a rod in it that goes all the way up to the top." People, FYI - your femur and your pelvis work together to make your HIP. And if you broke it, you should've already known that!

Me "Do you take any medications for your thyroid?"
Patient "I don't have a thyroid!"
Me "So you've had it removed?"
Patient "No, I don't have one!"

Me "Have you ever had Hormone Replacement Therapy?"
Patient "No."
Me "So after your hysterectomy at 35, they didn't get you Estrogen? Or Premarin, maybe?"
Patient "Oh yeah, I take Premarin!"
Me "Ma'am, you're 76. You are STILL taking Premarin?!?"
Patient "Well, yeah! Every time I try to stop, I get hot flashes."

Me "Where was your last mammogram?" Patient "Here."
Me "Well, the last mammogram you had HERE was in 2005."
Patient "That's ridiculous! I have one EVERY year! I come here all the time!" Me "Ma'am, I pulled all of your previous exams here, and while yes, you have had several other types of exams here, your last mammogram here was 5 years ago."
Patient "Oh, well maybe it was at that place on Fredricksburg..."

Now, yes, these are humorous stories. However, now that you'd had a good giggle, tell the truth... Have you ever given answers like these? You can't depend on your physician to know about everything you've ever had done. Test results get lost, or don't get sent at all. You change cities, you change physicians, facilities close...I know of one that burned down - yes, with all of their patient's records inside.

So it's up to you to take charge of your own health! Keep a written master record, and take it with you whenever you go to the doctor's or to have tests done. That way, WHILE YOU ARE THERE, you can ask for the exact name of the medication or test, why it is necessary, etc. as well as note when and where! Let's face it, as we get older it gets harder and harder to remember things. Maybe at the time you went through menopause it was a big deal, but 20 years later is it still important enough for you to remember how old you were when it happened? I had a tonsillectomy when I was a teenager. It was PURE TEEN DRAMA at the time, but now? Come on...

It may not seem like the age you were when you had a hysterectomy will be relevant when you are 65, but it is! Did you know that early onset of menopause, even if surgically induced by a hysterectomy, can raise your risk of osteoporosis? Were you aware that certain kinds of medications can raise your risk of breast cancer? Did you know that excessive exposure to radiation can increase your risk of cancer in general? If you had a CT scan of your abdomen just last week, do you really need the additional exposure of another CT scan this week? If it's medically necessary, that's fine, but if it's because a different physician is ordering it because he or she has no idea you just had one.....

I'm not saying that you need to research everything yourself. But I am saying that it's vitally important to keep track of YOUR OWN RECORDS!!!! The Health Care Professionals taking care of you will know what's relevant to what, but they can't help you make intelligent decisions about your care if they only have half the picture.

So, the next time you are at a health related appointment, and your caregiver asks you, "Have you had a recent chest x-ray?" you can say, "Let me check my record sheet..... Why yes, I had a chest x-ray 7 months ago at ABC Imaging on Main St. I have it on a CD right here." Your health care provider will be able to give you much more thorough care, and that's all you really want anyway, isn't it??!?!?